To Swanson
, my dearest gentleman, I would like to thank you for the light you have brought into my life. Yesterday, I posted an offer to a particular, borderline-illiterate man wearing an awful coat and clashing slacks whom I encountered at the Addison red line stop, offering services in exchange for goods (i.e. dick-touches for dollas, yo). Then, last night, an named Swanson emailed me, pointing out that I was a whore and he was a gentleman. , by me a whore, you've inspired me to change my whoring ways and stop whoring. However, it's gone on much too long, so I feel I've got some compensatory work to do before I'm in the clear. Therefore, in order to give back to the community which has already given me so much, I am announcing my new "Paid Played (With)" special event! You heard that right, fellas! Until I set foot in on Sunday morning, I will be paying YOU for the use of dicks, with which to play! Big ones, small ones, medium ones, small-to-medium, medium-to-large, LITERALLY EVERY SIZE OF DICK EXISTS SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD! But wait! To take advantage of this special offer, you need to follow these specific steps. First, a thoughtful reply to this ad BUT DON'T CLICK SEND YET, ASSHOLES. Remove the address in the "to" line, otherwise it won't get where it needs to go--you'll need to input your own address in its place. It sounds weird, but trust me, it's the only way this will work. Attach as many pictures of yourself posing outside of Dick's Sporting Goods as you like, then send away! XOXOXO
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